How to be in love and not let it change you

by Martijn
How to be in love and not let it change you

What you will find in this article

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So, you finally have your life back on track, you’ve healed, you’ve invested time in yourself, your personal and spiritual growth, and you’ve come into your own. You’ve taken time to get to know yourself, your likes, your dislikes, and the hidden traumas that had kept you from being you for such a long time. You deliberately haven’t rushed from one relationship to another because you knew it would only add up to all the bunk building onto the internal damage you already had to work on.

And here you are, strong, confident, self-aware, and humble at the same time. Open to interacting with the world again. And you fall in love

This time, let’s do things differently. This time, someone will have to take a chance on you for who you really are.

How to be in love and not let it change you

So often when we fall in love, we change. We change who we are, and try to become who we believe the other person wants us to be. Now, there are definitely a few good things about certain changes you can make. Because love inspires. So, by all means, let the inspiration flow and let it take you to new places in- and externally. That’s the good part.

But, at the same time, there’s this fear. Fear of losing what you might already have, or fear of not getting what you desire. Both lead you to act and think in ways that make you dependent on someone else. And this causes you to let your well-being depend on someone else’s approval of your thoughts and behavior.

Let’s be clear about this, I’m not talking about you going on a date to a museum when normally you’re not into museums. What you do does not determine your energy nearly as much as the objective of you doing that particular thing. So, if the reason for you going to the museum is to please and make an impression it will be a total misrepresentation of who you are. If your goal is to spend time with that person and maybe learn a thing or two you normally wouldn’t have but you’re not walking around in the museum pretending like it’s the most interesting thing in the world to you, then you’re still standing strong in your own character, not changing who you are.

Changing for someone you love

Of course, whenever you’re in a stable relationship there will be moments you’ll have to find certain compromises. You’ll have common goals, as well as individual goals, and if you’re in a healthy relationship, these will be well-balanced and receive support from your partner.

But this is not what we’re talking about here. So often, one of the two in a relationship completely adapts to the other person’s lifestyle, family, friends, eating habits, and a long long list of etceteras.

This person is annihilated and becomes a shell of who he or she was before falling in love. Happy on the outside, totally and utterly lost and destroyed on the inside. This always leads to an unhappy relationship for both. But so many times, neither one of them has the courage to take the step to break up. Because it has become a safe haven. For one it feels safe because all wishes are granted and the life of the family is completely adapted to his or her wishes. But still, feeling unhappy because his or her partner is weak, unattractive, and nothing like when they started dating. And the other feels safe because he or she does not have to carry the responsibility of taking any decisions and it feels good to actually have people around that seem to care about you. But still, feeling unhappy because he or she cannot really be who they are. Lost, traumatized, and insecure.  

If you love someone let them go

Sometimes, this leads to a breakup. Because either the dominant force within the relationship cannot continue to live with someone without a character and personality of his own. This person will then move on to someone, trying to do the same thing, going through a very similar breakup time and time again. Unless this person becomes self-aware and starts respecting, loving, and nurturing the individuality of the other.

Or the submissive counterpart within the relationship is so broken that he or she has to break free to discover who they really are. Then also starting a path of becoming more self-aware.

You don’t want to be in this kind of relationship, do you? Then why are so many actually settling for exactly this? A relationship that will end up breaking both.

So, from day 1, when you fall in love. Let them go.

What I mean to say here is, let them be who they are. Encourage and nourish individuality and differences. Support your partner to become strong and independent. And dominate your inner drive to control them, and to push them into something that makes you feel more comfortable and safe.

Can you be in love with someone and let them go?

And this, for many people, is one of the hardest things to do. But you have to understand that it’s something that happens mostly in the mind. Your actions and words might be saying that you are letting them free, that you support their individuality. But if your thoughts are not aligned, and inside it’s killing you and you are constantly on top of them, tracking their social media, their last activity on their different profiles, etc. This will still have the same outcome. Because, believe it or not, your energy speaks louder than words.

So, when you’re in love you not only can let them go, to make sure you foster and sustain a healthy relationship, you have to let them go. Not physically, but mentally.

If you love something set it free

And this is all related to your ability to detach your well-being, peace, and happiness from your external circumstances. It’s probably the hardest thing to do for any human being. But it’s the only way to achieve and preserve true inner peace.

So, if you love something, set it free. Because by setting it free, you become free. And when you are free, you can be who you really are. And this is extremely attractive. This is exactly what attracts other people to you.

Someone who is independent, free, speaks his or her mind in a well-spoken, humble, yet confident manner. Someone who has thoughts and ideas of his own, with clearly defined objectives and goals in life. Someone with a passion for what he or she does, someone who emanates positive energy, who engages people, not by words, but by who he or she is.

Is it true if you let someone go they will come back?

There is this saying that if you let someone go, they will come back. Of course, this is not true. That really depends on the specific circumstances of both individuals involved. But, by now I hope you understand that letting someone go is a mental process of providing total freedom to the other person and to yourself.

And once you’ve gotten to know yourself again, and you’ve become that independent, confident, humble, and attractive man or woman you’ve always been deep within, then, of course, chances are much higher he or she will come back.

But let it not be the objective of your transformation. Because then your transformation is not real. And it will only be words, and external manifestations, while on the inside you continue to let your peace and happiness depend on one specific outcome. Trust the process. Who knows, maybe, you will meet someone who truly is willing to bet on you for who you are. And your experience of what a human relationship can be like will also be completely transformed and elevated to levels you never even dreamed of.

How do you know if someone is meant to be in your life?

You know, sometimes things feel as if they were meant to be. And we get stuck on that feeling when for some reason this person is not there anymore. And we go in loops of thoughts, not understanding why fate is not being played out the way we thought it had to.

How do you know if someone is meant to be in your life? The reality is that this is a very easy question to answer.

Look around you? Who is in your life right now? You can like it or not, but this is exactly how it was meant to be. When we think about destiny, we tend to only think about the good things. But the truth is that everything, the good, the bad, the regular, it’s all meant to be the way it is. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be like this. It would be different. But it’s not.

So, next time you wonder why you are still alone, ask yourself whether you have given yourself time to get to know yourself and if you have given yourself permission to be you. To be free. And if you allow others to be free too. Not with words, but with thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

In other words, do you. And only then you will get to do someone else the right way. This time, someone will have to bet on you for who you are. So you can uplift each other and reach new heights individually, and together.

View the video here.

Find more articles about personal development here, and mental health here.

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